Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?
Love Matters, Part 1
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, many people around the world are starting to feel the pressure that comes with being single at this time of the year. And even though many individuals profess to being single by choice, others find the search for true love a heartbreaking and arduous chore.
Besides the issues of gender roles in society, cultural norms and family values also play a role in choosing a mate. And to complicate matters further, individual preferences, geographic location, and financial and time commitments must be considered. And beyond even those factors, many folks have great difficulty with confidence, shying away from dating as fear and anxiety take hold. So, how on Earth are we supposed to find not just a mate, but also a life partner with whom we can share love?
For many it seems hopeless.
But all is not lost. My mother used to say to me, “There are a lot of fish in the sea.” And always I replied, “I only need one, though I’d prefer a human.” Putting that bad joke aside, when you remember that there are billions of people on this planet, it’s almost inevitable that there is someone for everyone. But where are they all hiding?
You’ve heard the phrase, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” Many singles are given advice, however well intentioned, to troll the bars, clubs, coffee shops, and book stores in search for The One. Yet, I find it’s not the place that matters but where you’re meeting someone. “Wait, what?” Let me explain.
There is a universal law that states that like attracts like. You’ve seen this before. Sports enthusiasts tend to hang out together. Animal lovers often adopt pets that look similar or have common traits, like diseases or habits. And I’m sure I don’t need to mention that individuals are more likely to seek out partners that look and talk like them. Like attracts like. But this concept doesn’t only apply to the outside- its much more than that.
Each and every individual on this great earth demonstrates parts of his or her internal landscape to the external world. It’s often quite obvious, really. Aren’t you able to perceive when someone is happy or sad, confident or insecure? Our posture, facial expressions, stride, and breathing patterns are all tells for how we’re feeling. And you don’t need to be an expert to pick up on the major factors for attraction (which I wouldn’t constrain to the visual meaning), which are listed here in order of importance.
| Attractors in Women | Attractors in Men |
| Her smile | His level of confidence |
| Her eyes | His ambition |
| How she moves | A sense of humor |
| How she talks | His passion |
Based on these recent research results, in order to be “attractive” women need only smile and convey a sense of self-assuredness. Men are found more “attractive” by embodying confidence and an easy, fun demeanor. And that’s all well and good. But what if you’re insecure, feeling defeated by a host of failed dates, or lonely? These traits will make your smile, when you do give it, less genuine, you movements more closed and rigid, and your eyes and speech muted and flat. All of this, according to the law of like attracts like will get you more of what you already have- singlehood.
Finding The One isn’t about looking more places or simply approaching more people. It’s directly correlated with your feelings about yourself.
There is something you can do to enhance your self-worth. Your concept of yourself and what you believe you can and can’t do is mutable, unlike your stature. You’re not doomed to a life alone- unless you’re unwilling to make a change.
Here are some tips for improving your confidence and self-esteem so that you’re putting your best You forward and emanating a light that draws others to you. Ready?
- Focus on you, not them. Develop your talents, take good care of your body, pursue your interests, and work out any emotional issues you’re carrying. Get a life coach or therapist, if necessary. It’s not all about looks, but if a makeover makes you feel better, go for it! Most importantly, make You amazing!
- Practice confidence. Start looking for role models that embody confidence, rather than cockiness. Pretend you’re as confident as they are, by copying their posture, breathing deep in your belly, and speaking clearly and audibly. It’s ok to fake it until you make it! And while you’re rehearsing confidence, remember all the great qualities you have so that when you do meet someone you know you’re worthy of them- and happiness.
- Be mindful. Rather than allowing yourself to be a victim of your own insecurities and anxieties, take charge of the situation by diverting your attention to the present moment. Instead of worrying what’s going to happen next, focus on your breath, listen to the sounds around you, and wiggle your glorious toes. There is beauty and perfection everywhere you look, and the more you live in gratitude, the more your positive attitude will attract someone with an equally wonderful outlook. Now, that’s happiness.
For those of you already coupled, I haven’t forgotten about you! Stay tuned for Part 2 coming next month, with tools and tips to keep your relationship full of love and spice.
Go From Negative to Positive in 4 Simple Steps
OK, if you live on planet Earth you’re likely to experience at least occasional bouts of negative thinking or bad moods. But don’t despair! You can get yourself unstuck in 2 minutes or less using these four simple steps.
My students and clients often ask me why I seem to always be in a good mood. And I always tell them the same thing. I’m not! The truth is that everyone gets down at times, but I’ve chosen to only allow myself bad feelings for a moment or two before I change them into something useful. Sure I get angry, sad, hurt, and afraid- I just don’t live there. Emotions are fleeting, so I keep them moving!
1. Self Awareness
Begin now by recognizing the obvious and more subtle triggers that put you in a bad mood. Are you more likely to slip up when you’re tired, stressed, or criticized, when the baby won’t stop crying, or when you feel misunderstood? By becoming aware of your triggers before they get you, you can develop more conscious control of your emotional and mental state.
Also, at any given moment you can notice the difference between being in a bad mood and being a negative person. By accepting the negativity as a temporary state, you’re making it possible to change.
2. Implement Change.
At times, our feelings act as a warning system, letting us know that change is necessary. So, ask yourself is if there is anything that you can shift in order to make life smoother.
For example, if you tend to get into bad moods when you’re tired, can you rearrange your life so you can get more sleep? Or, if your moods are driven by criticism, could you work with a therapist on self love?
3. Shake Off the Negative Feelings.
You’ve probably had someone tell you, “Just let it go!” Well, that’s fine, but how do you do that? We all need a little ritual or process for shaking off our bad moods.
There are a variety of techniques you can use to “shake it off.” Think of a dog shaking off water, or a baby starting to giggle after a bout of fussiness. It is possible to change your state quickly. Personally, I like to move my body. Oftentimes, I will jump out of my chair, throw my hands in the air, and say, “Alright, on with it!” Try it out, or come up with your own- just do something!
4. Step Into Your Power.
I’ve noticed that many people talk about getting out of a bad mood, but what about getting into a good mood? You really want to do both.
In order to access and hold a positive and productive state, you really want to feel powerful and in charge. For some, this could mean being courageous, and for others it could indicate calm.
Your power is unique. It’s those moments when you feel like anything is possible, when you’re confident and comfortable with yourself and the world around you. Remember those moments, so you can call them to you when you most need them. If you’ve been there before you can be there again. How about now?
Want to Avoid Holiday Weight Gain?
We all know the benefits of staying slim and in good shape, but how do you maintain a healthy routine during the holidays?
Recently published in the New England Journal of Medicine, a study on holiday weight gain found that most Americans only gain 1 pound during the holidays. While that seems quite good, the problem is that most of those individuals never lost that pound, resulting in a yearly accumulation. This annual trend was even more significant for those already overweight, sometimes up to 5 pounds of weight gain each year. And, for those that didn’t gain much weight, their muscle-to-fat ratio decreased, which contributes to a slower metabolism and increased health risks.
So, what can you do this holiday season to avoid weight gain or increased body fat?
1. Walk!
Skip the online shopping and do your holiday gift searching on foot. You’ll keep your metabolism up and get some fresh air. If you can, shop downtown so you’re forced to walk from store to store rather than driving.
2. Reduce calories.
Snack on low-calorie, high fiber foods, like veggies and hummus or wheat crackers. Avoid nuts, meats, and cheeses that are calorie-dense. And consider one cookie instead of three- it’ll taste better, and you’ll enjoy it more.
3. Avoid emotional eating.
When holiday stress or family issues increase, avoid stuffing your face. Instead, take a brisk walk outdoors or visit a friend. Emotional eating is a major cause of holiday weight gain. If you have trouble with controlling your food intake, consider a hypnotherapy session. Most people need only a few sessions in order to make significant progress.
4. Space out your eating.
Simple things, like putting your fork down between bites, or focusing on conversation instead of eating can help you to eat slower. This gives you time to feel full, which reduces the likelihood of overeating.
5. Relax!
Stress has been linking to increased belly fat. One of the easiest tricks to avoiding weight gain and belly fat is to take time for relaxation. Five minutes of deep breathing or a 15-minute guided meditation can reduce cortisol and fat deposits. Being more relaxed will also curb your appetite- at least emotionally.
Remember, there is no shame in asking for help to get your weight under control. Whether you could use assistance in reducing your intake or gaining motivation to exercise more, there are many professionals trained to assist you. Hypnotherapists and NLP’ers have specific skills that can put you back in control quickly. Most even offer tailored packages to meet your needs. Invest in your health and well-being today- you’ll be glad you did!
5 Unique Ways to Give Thanks
Thanksgiving is already behind us, but isn’t the whole holiday season about giving thanks? Giving gifts at the holidays is a common way to express love and appreciation for those special people in our lives. But for many, money is a little tighter than usual, so how can you show loved ones you care without breaking the bank?
1. Ten Things I Love About You.
Make a list, typed or written in calligraphy, and frame it for those important people in your life. Mom may even shed a tear or two!
2. Create a Photography Collection.
Unleash your creativity by photographing scenes or people that resonate with each loved one on your list. Frame the photos, and write a short message on the back of each, letting each recipient know why you choose that image.
3. Give a Kiva Loan.
For as little as $25 you can give a small business loan to individuals around the world- in your own or someone else’s honor. It’s an excellent way to show you care, and it’s a great cause that everyone will appreciate.
4. Make Purchases from Small Businesses.
Instead of shopping at department stores, patron local or private companies. Consider experiential gifts rather than products, as well, like spa days, tours, or concert tickets.
5. Invest in their Future.
Give a gift of health, wellness, or education. Whether you give a guided meditation CD or a home study course, you’ll be sure the money you spend is put to good use. Things come and go, but personal growth lasts forever!
No matter what you give or how much, remember the best way to give thanks is by opening your heart to those you love. Let them know how much you care, through words, gestures, hugs, and by keeping your word. And always, be the best you that you can be!
Want to Eliminate Cigarettes?
I’ve been a hypnotherapist for 15 years, and nearly every time I mention this to someone I’ve just met I get the same response, “So you help people to stop smoking?” I do say yes but quickly explain that there is much more to practicing hypnosis. That said, I realize that stopping smoking may just be enough.
I recently came across an article published in Scientific American about the true costs of cigarette smoking and stop-smoking programs.
As soon as a person stops smoking, his or her risk of a heart attack drops, and it continues to fall for five years, when it reaches levels close to those of people who have not smoked. With the number of smokers in that state [California] having declined some 50 percent since 1985, that is presumably a lot of heart attacks-and related medical bills-avoided. But just how much?
Here’s how the numbers break down: In the first 15 years of the tobacco control program, the state spent $1.4 billion on the initiative, during which time it also lost some $3.1 billion on tax revenue from all of the billions of packs its residents were no longer buying.With the reduction in smokers over that same 15-year period, some $86 billion in direct medical costs were avoided, Glantz and Gonzalez noted. And that does not include the extra money flowing into the economy generated by increased productivity-thanks to more, and higher quality, days of work-of the non-smokers.
So, the more individuals that stop smoking, the more our economy is strengthened. And potentially, our individual health care costs will be reduced as well. I, for one, am ready for a social movement towards stopping smoking. Want to join me?
To become a certified hypnotherapist and help others stop smoking, lose weight, and overcome fears take a look at our upcoming Hypnotherapy course. Utilizing hypnosis to stop smoking is inexpensive, quick, and tremendously effective.
Who’s Wearing the Mask?
I’ve always wondered why people are so drawn to costuming. Here in San Francisco it’s considered it’s own art form. But what does your costume say about you?
Are you drawn to costumes that are aesthetically beautiful but essentially meaningless to you? Do you like to make people laugh? Be the center of the party? Express a part of yourself that you don’t otherwise? Stay on the cutting edge? Whatever your preference, your costume provides a bit of self-reflection.
Being a classic Sagittarian, I have the tendency to look deeply into things, and my Halloween costumes generally revolve around mythological figures or shadows from the collective unconscious. And if you remember the roots of Halloween, All Hallows Eve, you know that the holiday was a time to let out one’s shadow. And that is exactly the point- costumes allow the pieces of you that you normally keep hidden to come out and play for a day.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming was built on the idea of modeling- the act of acting “as if” in order to succeed. Usually, modeling is done using a role model, someone that has already done what you want to do. But, in truth, everything you need is already inside of you! You just may only express it once a year, if ever.
So, I have a challenge for you. It takes just a few moments to improve your life and work.
1. Remember the costume you most loved- and why you enjoyed wearing it.
2. What were you able to express that was most freeing to you?
3. How can you express more of that in your life today, without the costume?
And to make it even easier on you, here are a few themes to get you started.
Animals: instinctual, rather than logical
Evil characters: safety through separation
Fantasy characters: innocence, escape from reality, playfulness, mystery
Heros: taking charge of circumstances, overcoming insecurity
Sexy characters: overcoming repressed sexuality/sensuality
Trendy characters: displaying knowledge, being cool
The more you express the different aspects of yourself, the more whole your life becomes. Flexibility is the key to success, so mix it up and have more fun!
Coaching Demystified
Have you learned NLP or Hypnosis but lack the confidence to start your practice?
I’ve taught NLP and Hypnotherapy for nearly a decade, and I’ve noticed that there is only one thing that keeps students from starting a coaching practice. Without the confidence in your own skills and abilities, you’re likely to stay in a “safe” position. But how do you develop the confidence to pursue your dreams?
I’d personally like to invite you to a very special event I’m producing with my friend and colleague, Marcus Marsden, an executive coach to some of the largest companies in the world. Not only is he an excellent and seasoned coach, he’s a thoroughly entertaining and effective trainer and NLP Master. And, he works for the leading coaching company in Asia, where we’ve co-run NLP workshops for the past 3 years.
I know you’ll enjoy this workshop. I look forward to your participation!
Coaching Demystified
A Workshop for NLP Practitioners and Hypnotherapists
Successful coaches have their own style of coaching. They have cultivated how to think and act like a coach, and they know how to apply their skills at each stage of the coaching journey.
In this experiential workshop, you will experience and explore:
- what it’s like to go through the stages of a coaching journey with a client
- the mind of a coach – how does a coach think, listen, and act differently compared to people in other roles
- how a coach builds an effective coaching relationship with their client(s)
- your own coaching style – who do you need to be in order to really be effective at working with others; what experiences and qualities do you have that can assist you to be a great coach;
- why people are important to you and why is it important that you contribute to their development. This is critical in order to evoke a real commitment to go out and create a practice.
At the conclusion of this workshop, you can expect:
- Increased confidence and commitment to coach people in their daily life – either formally or informally. You will leave the workshop excited about coaching, ready to start a coaching conversation with a belief in your ability to coach and develop people.
- To be thinking, listening, and acting like a coach. You’ll learn practical, easy-to-use coaching techniques to use alongside other skills.
- To understand how and why to help others achieve goals.
- To determine your natural coaching style and how to adapt your way of working to coach different people.
So, if you’re ready to take the next step in your career, join us for this very special event. I am certain you’ll get exactly what you need to move forward in your own life, and be ready to help others move forward in theirs. Join us!
The Essential Details
Dates: October 14-15, 10am to 6pm
Location: 421 Post St. 14th Floor in San Francisco CA
Regular Tuition: $475
Early Bird Tuition: $350 before September 1 (Save $125!)
Meet Marcus Marsden
Marcus is an executive coach and personal development trainer based in Hong Kong with clients throughout Asia and the UK. Marcus brings to his training and coaching 20 years of business and management experience. Marcus specializes in coaching senior executives in leadership, management, and change and teaching personal breakthrough workshops.
Marcus has also worked extensively in the fields of leadership development and coaching with organizations including Unilever, PETRONAS, Sony Ericsson, Taishin Bank, Birla Group, Wika Construction, and Hewlett Packard.
Graduating from Oxford University, Marcus is an NLP Master Practitioner. He holds certification for Creative Thinking facilitation and he is a member of the International Coaching Federation and the Newfield Network.
Marcus is married to a lovely Indonesian woman and currently lives in Hong Kong. When not working, he enjoys keeping fit and healthy in the gym (his wife is a personal fitness trainer!) as well as playing golf, hiking and Pilates. He is a keen movie watcher as well an ardent fan of American football (Go Raiders!).
Emotional Maturity? Not in America!
Just this morning, I witnessed a large truck speeding down my street, honking at a double-parked car (do cars move themselves??). Over the weekend I heard so much gossip it made my head spin. And tomorrow I’m likely to hear one of my clients badmouthing a co-worker.
One thing I’m quite certain of, after 15 years in this business and extensive international travel, is emotional maturity isn’t highly valued in this country. Additionally, it is our collective immaturity that has created our current financial crisis. We are like children, demanding to play now and pay later. Yet, delaying gratification is not only beneficial, it can be more enjoyable.
Some Signs of Emotional Maturity
- Making sacrifices for the sake of others
- Admitting when you’re wrong
- Compromising
- Accepting things as they are, without judgment or criticism
- Taking a long-term view
- Making good decisions, rather than choosing whatever feels good in the moment
When people ask me why I do the work I do, I always answer with, “I want to make the world a better place.” I’ve chosen to do this by building maturity in myself first, then by showing others how much better life could be with just a few simple changes. Consider adopting just one of these options for a few weeks.
- Listen to those you love, without comment or judgment. Open your heart and hear them out.
- Ask yourself, “Is this smart?” in addition to, “Does this feel good?” Both questions are important.
- When something unexpected happens, don’t try to figure out if it’s good or bad, just accept that it is. Do the best you can with what you’ve got.
- Do something helpful for someone else, even if it’s inconvenient. You’ll be amazed by how much you get out of it.
- Admit it, out loud, when you’re wrong. And do it without shame or embarrassment- it was only a mistake.
By demonstrating just a little emotional maturity you can make more sound financial decisions, enjoy driving again, and parent happier and healthier kids. Becoming wise, grounded, and compassionate requires living intentionally, which is a habit you develop over time. It’s never too late to start, but it’s something you don’t want to put off (procrastination is another sign of immaturity).
There are personal development tools available, more than ever before, and they are extremely important to learn. You can love more deeply, feel more peaceful in your heart and head, learn to let go of anger and grief, and achieve lasting happiness. Be a renegade! Break out of this current culture of greed, short-sightedness, and childishness. I promise you- you’ll enjoy your life even more.
To get moving along the path to emotional maturity, you may wish to begin with a private consultation. Or, consider taking a course focused on the mind and how it works. Valuing education is a great sign of emotional maturity.
Spa for the Psyche: An Urban Retreat with Janis Ericson
Stressed? Overwhelmed? Need some time for yourself?
Retreats provide a place for those who seek to re-ignite their passion and zest for life. By escaping the barrage of daily stress, you give yourself the opportunity to turn within, reconnect with your goals, and take stock of your life.
When you change, the world around you changes.
The modern world in which we live is filled with uncertainty, but when you build a strong and centered inner self you can handle anything that comes your way. Brain science has shown the merit of proper meditation for increasing success and happiness. So, take this opportunity to intentionally build your life from the inside out.
- Shake off the stress of modern life
- Let go of daily concerns and worries
- Experience therapeutic meditation for lasting change
- Learn magical meditation techniques anyone can use
- Discover how to be more intentional in your life and work
What to Expect
Saturday: Tuning Out & Tuning In
Spend the day relaxing and letting go of stress, tension, and anxiety in order to create the space for self-reflection and change. Escape the demands of daily life, detox your mind, and find your center. Experience relaxation techniques even type A’s can appreciate.
Sunday: Meditation for a Change
Today you’ll experience the art of transformational meditation and learn simple change techniques you can use in your own life. You’ll have the opportunity to resolve issues around money, relationships, or finding meaningful work- or just relax and get clarity around your life goals.
Why Meditation?
Not only does meditation reduce stress, it lowers blood pressure and improves sleep. It also promotes mental clarity, calmness, and greater happiness by quieting the mind. Even if you’ve had difficulty with meditation in the past, Janis’s unique methods can break through the mental chatter and take you into profound relaxation.
When you’re more relaxed, you’re more comfortable in your skin, which leads to greater confidence and success in your life and work. Research has shown that relaxation leads to more creative thinking, greater emotional control, and improved athletic performance.
The Essential Details
Location: The Open Center, New York NY
October 22-23, 2011 from 9am to 5pm each day
About Janis
After her introduction to meditation at the age of 12, Janis began delving into the world of personal growth and transformation. Based on over twenty years of study and practice, she now shares with her students and clients the most simple and profound techniques for relaxation, success, and happiness. The author of ‘I Know I Need to Change, but How?,’ Janis lives, works, and plays in San Francisco.
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